Lemme take a Selphie
by ryuzaki-vanitas
Summary: 10 years after Kingdom Hearts 2... Sora is gay, Riku is questioning, Kairi is homophobic even though she secretly likes Selphie. Let's see how this turns out shall we? PS: Did I mention that Jiminy is a douche?
1. Everyone talks in caps

10 years after Kingdom Hearts 2...

Sora is gay

Riku is questioning

Kairi is homophobic even though she secretly likes Selphie

Let's see how this turns out shall we?

Sora POV

I lay down on the sandy beaches of Destiny Islands. The sun's rays beamed down onto me, covering my body in warmth. "Hey Sora! Tidus and Wakka against me and you?" a voice called out. I sat up and saw Riku standing over me, smiling.

"Sure, why not?" I grinned, standing up, "We'll beat them anyway!"

"Come on then!" Tidus yelled, waving his wooden sword around.

Riku and I summoned our Keyblades. Wakka whispered something to Tidus before running at me. Tidus blushed.

It didn't take long for us to beat them. "It's not fair! Just because you've got proper weapons..."

"Hey Kairi!" Selphie yelled.

I turned around to find Kairi blushing. She shook her head and smirked at me. "So you and Riku are attacking helpless wooden sword wielders? How very heroic."

"Hey, we're not helpless!" Tidus exclaimed.

"Right, says you lying on the floor, rubbing your head and clutching a toy sword."

"I could take you any day." Tidus hissed.

"Yeah right."

Selphie pulled Kairi away from Tidus and told her to calm down.

Wakka looked at Tidus seductively.

I looked at Riku's long, silver hair. He caught me and I looked away quickly.

Kairi played with her hair while talking to Selphie, a tell-tale sign.

Selphie giggled. Kairi was obviously flirting with her. Probably badly.

I felt Riku's hand touch mine. He made sure not to look at me, but I laced my fingers over his.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING OH MY GOD THAT'S SO GROSS!" Kairi screamed.

"Says you flirting with Selphie!" I countered.

"I wasn't flirting I was-"

"You WEREN'T!?" Selphie cried.

"No, I was, but I wasn't, I mean... I HATE YOU ALL!"

"WE HATE YOU TOO!" I shouted.

"Do you hate me Kairi?" Selphie whimpered.

"No, Selphie I really like you!" she realised what she said, "I mean, you know not LOADS but you know what I mean is-"

"SHE LIKES YOU SELPHIE BASICALLY IT'S SO OBVIOUS." Riku announced.

"OMG REALLY I LIKE YOU TOO KAIRI YAY!"

"OMG YAY!"

"I LIKE RIKU!" I shouted.

"I LIKE SORA!" Riku declared.

"WAKKA AND I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING TOGETHER!" Tidus yelled.

"AND IT'S AMAZING AND I LOVE HIM!" Wakka added.

"YOU'RE ALL FUCKED UP!" Jiminy said.

"SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKTARD!" I yelled.

"THE WHOLE TIME BITCH WHAT YOU GONNA DO?"

I picked him up and threw him in the ocean.

"TAKE THAT YOU WANKER!"

"THAT WAS SO HOT!" Riku said.

Then everyone made out with their crushes and yeah.

Kairi and Selphie eventually got married and shizz. Also they found out that Kairi's a squirter.

Tidus and Wakka became drug dealers and now live in an old warehouse.

Sora and Riku have sex every night and yeah.

Totes.


	2. Jiminy's Return

Previously...

Sora and Riku gotz together

Kairi and Selphie gotz together

Tidus and Wakka gotz together

Jiminy was a douche

That's about it.

Sora POV

Riku and I had been together for two months now. So had Kairi and Selphie. And Tidus and Wakka. We all stayed at Kairi's house the other day. It was quite eventful.

So it started out fine, Tidus and Wakka arrived late because they had fucked in Wakka's before they left.

Kairi and Selphie didn't come downstairs for the first 15 minutes. I wonder why. Anyway we got pissed because Kairi had vodka. While her and Selphie made out for about an hour, we heard the front door open.

"What was that?" I asked.

Everyone shook their heads.

"I'M BACK BITCHES!" Jiminy screamed. He had completely changed his outfit. He had gone completely emo. He even had eyeliner on.

"YOU WILL ALL SUFFER LIKE I DID!" he laughed like a maniac.

"Oh please, you're the most tiny, pathetic thing I've ever seen." Riku hissed.

"NO I'M NOT. I'M THE MOST BADASS CHARACTER IN THE SERIES!"

"Why do you always talk in caps?" Selphie asked.

"Don't break the fourth wall babe, readers hate that." Kairi told her.

"I ACCIDENTLY GOT MY CAPS LOCK STUCK, LONG STORY SHORT, PINNOCIO ISN'T THE MOST INNOCENT LITTLE BOY YOU'VE MET..."

"That's disgusting." Tidus shuddered.

"ANYWAY, I'M YOUR BOSS BATTLE SO PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" He pointed his umbrella at us.

"Seriously?" Riku laughed, "A tiny cricket is going to fight us with an umbrella?"

"IT'S GOT DARK POWERS YOU KNOW."

Sure enough, Jiminy was able to summon Riku Replica.

"Hey, babeeeeeee!" He cried, winking at Riku.

"Omg what." I asked.

"I was getting depressed while I was looking for you."

"Aw that's so sweet!" I beamed."

"Why am I here anyway?" RR asked.

"I SUMMONED YOU. YOU MUST DESTROY THEM NOW!"

"Um, no thanks. This guy kicked my butt." he said, pointing at me, "Bye guys!"

"Byeeeeeeeee!" Selphie yelled.

"UGH THIS SUCKS OKAY I'LL JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU MYSELF!"

"Really?" I asked.

"I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU AND ALL OF YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE-"

I stood on him and threw him in the bin.

"Okay, I think Jiminy's got some 'issues'" I said.

"You think?" Wakka laughed.

Then everyone had sex with their partners and Jiminy threw up in the bin. He sat on a banana peel, plotting revenge.

"ONE DAY... YOU WILL ALL PERISH AT THE HANDS OF THE DARK CRICKET MUAHAHAHAHA!"


	3. That darn cricket

Previously...

Jiminy was a douche (again)

Everyone had sex

That's pretty much it

Sora POV

So, after the events of last week, there were no sightings of Jiminy. I don't think we'll be staying at Kairi's house again for a while. Anyway, a new kid had joined our school. His name was Roxas and one of our classmates, Axel, seemed to take quite a liking to him.

"Did you see that new kid?" he ranted on at lunch, "He's so hot!"

"Uh oh, we all know what happens when Axel likes someone." Kairi laughed.

"Don't talk about me as if I'm not here!" he yelled.

"She right doe, you end up getting with them, you have a fling for like a week and then you break up!" Selphie explained.

It was true. Axel was the school's heartbreaker, but Roxas didn't know that. For all Roxas knew, Axel was a perfectly nice guy. Little did he know that Axel was an extreme pervert...

Anyway, back to the main story.

Jiminy eventually turned up while we were in school.

"WELL HELLO, WE MEET AGAIN."

"Oh for god's sake Jiminy, we have an exam next week." Riku sighed.

"THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. AND MY NAME ISN'T JIMINY! IT'S THE DARK CRICKET!"

"More like the DARN cricket!" Kairi laughed, "HAHAHAH get it? Anyone?"

Even Selphie shook her head.

"OOOOOKAY... WELL, PREPARE TO DIE, ATTEMPT 3!"

His umbrella turned into a sewing needle.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked.

"YES. I WILL STAB YOU WITH IT. THEY HURT MAN."

"Only because it's like a sword to you."

"I DON'T CARE SHUT UP! YOU WILL DIE."

The 'Dark Cricket' jumped up onto my desk and started poking me with it.

"Ow, knock it off!" I hissed, flicking him off.

He hit the wall and groaned.

"YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS BATTLE, BUT YOU HAVE NOT WON THE WAR!"

"What the actual f-"  
"AUF WIEDERSEHEN BITCHES!"

"That's one fucked up little cricket." Roxas said.

"OMG I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING!" Axel squealed.

Riku rolled his eyes.

After school, we went to Selphie's house.

You can guess what happened next ;)


	4. BUSTED

**Previously…**

**Jiminy tried to attack Sora with a sewing needle**

**Everyone had sex (again)**

**A new kid joined**

**Axel said he was going to make a move on Roxas. That poor kid. He has no idea what he's going to get himself into if he says yes. Anyway, Riku and I went on a date last night. We went to Nando's because I love me some chicken. Riku put half of the hot sauce on his chicken and said, "Still not as hot as you." So smooth. Then we went to his and he took down my trousers and-**

**"****SORA STOP WRITING IN YOUR DIARY YOU GIRL, THE POPO ARE HERE!" Tidus shouted.**

**"****WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?" I yelled.**

**"****HIDE WAKKA! HIDE THE DRUGS!" **

**"****YOU IDIOT THEY HEARD YOU!"**

**They did. The popo arrested them both. "This wouldn't have happened if you had happened if you hadn't have been such a bastard." Wakka hissed.**

**"****Shut up, dickhead, it was your idea to get into this in the first place!"**

**So Tidus and Wakka are now in prison for 2 years.**

**Oh dear.**

**Kairi and Selphie eventually turned up on the island, with grim faces.**

**"****Jiminy's put sugar and lego all over the floor in my house." Selphie frowned.**

**"****AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN IF YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY SIZE!" Jiminy shouted, bouncing in out of nowhere.**

**"****Oh for fuck's sake, here we go again…" Riku sighed.**

**"****WHAT? YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME SON?"**

**"****You keep ambushing us for no reason. Why are you doing this anyway?" I asked.**

**"****WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY!" He took a deep breath. "FOR 3 YEARS I HAD TO SIT IN YOUR HOOD AND WRITE ABOUT ****_YOUR _****LIFE STORY BECAUSE THE FUCKING QUEEN TOLD ME TOO. FOR ONE OF THOSE YEARS YOU, DONALD AND GOOFY WERE ALL ASLEEP AND I SAT THERE WITH NOTHING TO DO!"**

**"****Explains the insanity…" Kairi muttered.**

**"****AS I WAS SAYING," Jiminy continued, "I HAD NOTHING BUT MY THOUGHTS AND MY HAND TO OCCUPY ME."**

**"****We don't need so much detail Jiminy…"**

**"****FUCK YOU. NOW I WANT TO GO BACK TO FUCKING TRANSVERSE TOWN AND FIND FUCKING PINNOCHIO AND HIS STUPID FUCKING 'FATHER' SO I CAN GO BACK TO FUCKING NORMAL YOU FUCKING FUCKTARDS!"**

**"****Jesus, you could've just asked. Donald pimped up the Gummi Ship." I said, pointing at the garage next to the boats. Donald was inside, his cap reversed and his staff used as a paintbrush.**

**"****Yo dawgs what's up?" he asked.**

**"****Jiminy wants to go back to Transverse Town." Selphie sighed.**

**"****Yeah fam that's cool. Just lemme get yo ride set up yo."**

**Donald Dawg (as he liked to call himself) got the Gummi Ship ready before telling us to get in.**

**"****Come den blud. One trip to Transverse Town comin' right up, yo."**


End file.
